UNO 41 Rants & Raves

May 8, 2017 Chris Barnett




Guam DMV

In order to comply with Uncle Sam’s REAL ID act, Guam DMV is now requiring additional paperwork to get or renew a Guam driver’s license. You now need verification from your village mayor, original social security card (who has their original SS card? Either you lose it or use it for a crutch), passport, or tax documents from the last five years. ALL OF THAT? Why not throw in a urine sample, two packets of lemon powder, and a pint of blood.

They always say on Guam it’s not what you know; it’s whom you know. Instead of all these new paperwork, we should be able to bring in at least three relatives who can vouch for our identity. You should be able to bring in your auntie and have her tell the guy at DMV, “Yes, this dude is who he says he is—he came out of my sister’s vagina, I was there.” On a side note, I don’t understand why people complain about how long they have to wait at the DMV. It’s the DMV—IT’S SUPPOSED TO TAKE ALL DAY!! The whole system would collapse if one day the DMV actually become efficient.


Drunk Stabbings

I’m tired of reading about SUIs—Stabbings Under The Influence. I wish I could UNSEE the picture of the guy who got stabbed IN THE EYEBALL. I must’ve got it on my WhatsApp 453 times. In the States, the debate is all about gun control, but here on Guam we need to do more to keep knives out of the hands of stupid drunk people. If you f*ck up and stab somebody while you’re drunk, you shouldn’t be allowed near any knives for the rest of your life. You would have to cut things with a plastic spork. TBH, I’d rather be shot than stabbed. Just to prove a point about how stupid these stabbers are, one man attacked his chick WITH A MACHETE after drinking a bottle of vodka, cutting her on the leg. After he was arrested he told GPD HE DIDN’T MEAN TO CUT HER! WTF?! You attacked her with a machete, what did you think was going to happen?!?!


Dick Pics and Vids

When you get WhatsApp videos or pics with that one guy’s penis on them. You know whom I’m talking about…the dude with the two-foot long chili.

People spend a lot of time finding creative ways to ambush us with that guy’s dick pic. Whether it’s any pic that you click on and when it opens, BAM! or whether it’s the video that seems innocent (I got one with cute kittens) that suddenly cuts to the guy’s penis. I’m not a prude in any sense of the word, but this guy’s dick has gone way too viral. When my auntie is dropping it on the Family Chat, it’s gone too far. Plus, my kids go through my phone all the time, and the last thing I need is to explain to them why daddy has someone else’s dick pic in his photo gallery!



Mes Chamoru

I always say every month should be Chamoru Month, but this year we really Mes Chamoru’d hard! I’m talking hard like guyuria hard. Guahan has been in the midst of a Chamoru cultural renaissance for the last decade, and its reached a point where even non-Chamorus are interested in learning the language and culture that make Guam and its people so unique. 

You can really tell by the outbreak of sinahis and kids with Chamoru names. Around the world we are seeing Chamoru culture and food being represented. Our food and our women will make us famous! Hopefully our food! Everyone just stay away from our women!


2018 Gubernatorial Election

So pumped for this! Not pumped to vote for anyone in particular, just pumped to sit back and watch the show. As usual, the Democrats are all chasing Adelup, and with Uncle Carl back in the mix (can you feel me rolling my eyes?) you can bet there will be a lot of Friendly Fire. The Democratic primary is going to be like one of those WWF Battle Royales from back in the day! Frank Aguon versus Lou Leon Guerrero versus Uncle Carl! Watch your back, guys! On the Republican side, Ray Tenorio can just sit back and pray the worst man (or lady) wins! I’m looking forward to watching all my prims and pars go both ways—like political bisexuals—meaning they get to enjoy having their asses kissed by candidates from both sides. Free barbecue, free t-shirts, and promises of cushy GovGuam jobs—I’m down!


Tax Refunds

I love that everyone gets their tax refunds on a pretty timely basis. I especially love that when tax refunds are getting mailed out, it’s all over KUAM News. This gives me a huge heads up on whom to borrow money from. All you need to know is when your relatives or friends filed, since the news always tells us which batch of refunds is coming out.

The key is to not be so obvious. Start kissing their ass a few days before the refunds actually arrive in the mail, but you got to act fast since Guam-to-Guam mail only takes two days at the most. Bring some empanada by your Uncle’s house, drop your par lunch, or just tell your Nina how good she looks in her 7-day bracelets. Doing these things will definitely increase your chances of being able to borrow some of that fat refund check they’ll be getting in the mail. Be sure to use the “until I get MY refund” line. For example: “Nina, can I borrow $100, just until I get my refund?”


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